Welcome to Scout’s newest series: “The COVID Made Me Do It”. This unprecedented series was inspired by viruses, brownies, and our friend, Jordan, who is neither a virus nor a brownie. (He’s actually closer to an eclair. But he’s a military pilot so maybe he’s more of a gangster cannolis. Or an all-around bad ass cheesecake. It’s difficult to say.)
Over the past week, Scout has been continuously confronted by moral conundrum after moral conundrum. Does he brave the public in search of takeout? Or does he raid his pantry alone? Is takeout actually the best way to support small businesses? Or do public purchases endanger… everything? You know the questions and you’re living the dilemmas daily. And these dilemmas are leading you to some fairly fanatical food choices. So the question is: did the COVID make you do it?
How many brownies are too many brownies?
On today’s “The COVID Made Me Do It”, we’re faced with a significant moral question: how many brownies are too many brownies?
Yesterday, Scout and Team Frymire cautiously visited Costco and its hazmat-suited personnel. As always, it grieved Scout that he chose to support this corporation profiting off humanity’s fear. But on the other hand, it pleased him to not starve. (Again, a moral dilemma.) It also pleased him to support the dedicated cashiers/first responders. These people were everything you want in crisis caretakers: calm, collected, and effective. Let’s be honest, Costco should probably be running the CDC right now.
But there was no sign for the brownies. Here was an unregulated, shelf-stable, life-sustaining product in great supply.
Anyway… as Scout searched the aisles for the much hoarded, shelf-stable pixie dust commonly known as all-purpose flour, he found an old friend: the apocalypse-size box of Ghirardelli Triple Chocolate Brownie Mix. At this point, it’s important for you to know that Coscto had all “the signs” hanging everywhere. You know “the signs” we’re talking about: “No more than one palette of toilet paper per card holder”. But there was no sign for the brownies. Here was an unregulated, shelf-stable, life-sustaining product in great supply. Which brings us back to our original question: how many brownies are too many brownies?
Yesterday, Scout baked 62 brownies + one brownie loaf. Each Ghirardelli Triple Chocolate Brownie Mix makes 16 brownies and calls for one egg. He only used three eggs. You do the math.
Actually, the math doesn’t work. But somehow, he got 62 brownies + one brownie loaf. He’d just watched a televangelist multiply quarantined peoples’ food supply through much prayer and slight of hand so maybe that was a factor? But somehow, Scout ended up with 62 brownies + one brownie loaf last night. As of tonight, he has 57 brownies + 1/2 brownie loaf. Do that math. Because that math works, but it’s also fairly damning.
Tonight, Scout, Daniel, and I were on the phone (DISTANCING!) with our friends Jordan and Rachel. We were
bragging talking about our 2020-Brownie-Binge when Jordan posed a perplexing question: “Did the COVID make you do it?” And we don’t know… Did it? What is the acceptable brownie-to-body-weight ratio? Over the next week, Scout and I will need to average seven brownies/day if we want to finish before April. (We have a feeling that April is going to be all about pies.) It’s a race against time and freezer burn and it’s serious.
What is the acceptable brownie-to-body-weight ratio?
But we’re a little nervous. Is there anything morally objectionable about consuming seven brownies a day for seven days? Seven is a significant historical number. Even the food-multiplying televangelist would agree with that. Or, is it our moral DUTY to consume seven brownies in seven days?
If you have any answers for us, please leave them in the comments below. Otherwise, if you need us, we’ll just be at home “loafing around”.
Scout & Anna
We’d be remiss if we didn’t credit Jordan (the bad-ass cheesecake guy) with this series’ title. It was totally his idea. And we totally stole it. We do that sometimes.